I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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