So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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