I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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