I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
