are you still at the devil's house?
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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