Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
