My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize