you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
