i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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