I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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