genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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