I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So much rum. So many feels.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
