Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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