u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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