Cold hands, warm shart.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
