so that wasnt chicken after all
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
