He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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