Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
