You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
