yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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