At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
