Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize