He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
