My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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