allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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