Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
