God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
last night I used snow as a chaser
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
