$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
