I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
