I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
