i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i used baking grease as lip gloss
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
