i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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