Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
sick fucks of a feather flock together
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
