I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
