I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Randomize
