1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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