why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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