you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
