Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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