: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize