My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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