I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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