is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
