I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
