If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize