I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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