it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
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