I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
