Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
