He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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