Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
