Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
