im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
