she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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