chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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