were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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