Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
