every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize