i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
