i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
