that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
