Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
