If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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