i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
