i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
