The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
