I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
