I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
