I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
