ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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