im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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