my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
