my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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