Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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