Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
