There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
